Roast jokes for a husband.

Brad swears he knows exactly where they're going. Brad has been turning left at the same corner for twenty minutes. Brad's wife has mentioned the address three times. Brad is convinced she's confused about where the restaurant actually is. Brad is now parking and asking some random guy for directions while maintaining that he absolutely could have found it himself. Brad, GPS exists. It's not a sign of weakness.

Derek spent three hours edging the lawn last Saturday. He used a ruler to ensure the lines were perfectly straight. Derek consulted YouTube videos about lawn maintenance technique. His wife just wants grass. Derek wants lawn art. Derek has started a journal about grass growth patterns. Derek, it's grass. It grows back. You can relax.

Kevin's fishing trip to Alaska cost eight thousand dollars. The family vacation to Florida cost six thousand. Kevin caught two fish. The family came back with memories and sunburns. Kevin is already planning the next trip. His wife is considering whether the marriage is worth it. Kevin, maybe balance the hobbies with the family budget.

Ryan's snoring could wake the dead. It's a sound like a chainsaw mixed with a congested walrus. His wife has considered sleeping in another room but also feels guilty for abandoning him. Ryan denies he snores, even though neighbors have asked about it. Ryan sleeps like he's the only person in the bed. Ryan, your snoring has its own subreddit. Maybe see a doctor.

Jason has taken it upon himself to manage the house temperature. He adjusts the thermostat every fifteen minutes based on his internal comfort level. His wife is simultaneously freezing and sweating. Jason is certain he's found the perfect temperature. The perfect temperature lasts approximately four minutes. Jason has made a chart of optimal temperature settings by time of day. Jason, the thermostat is not a strategic military operation.

Jeremy has three different fitness trackers, four smartwatches, and a device he bought six months ago that he can't remember the purpose of. He has an app for everything. He's downloaded productivity apps and then forgotten about them. Jeremy spends more time setting up his devices than actually using them. Jeremy, buying technology doesn't solve problems. It just creates more problems with better screens.

Bradley says he'll be right there. He's got 'one more thing' to finish. One more thing becomes checking his email, which becomes a phone call, which becomes him deciding the other thing isn't as important as he thought. His wife is left waiting. Bradley finally emerges forty minutes later having done four 'one more things.' Bradley, 'one more thing' is never one thing.

Tommy brings up something his wife did wrong in 2019 when she makes a minor mistake in 2024. He's keeping a mental ledger. His wife doesn't even remember the 2019 thing. Tommy has a memory like a vengeful elephant. His wife has moved on from like ninety-five percent of their arguments. Tommy is still mad. Tommy, forgiveness is also a thing you could try.

Gregory insists on parking far away from the store entrance to avoid crowds. His wife is standing in the cold while Gregory walks fifty yards from the parking lot. Gregory thinks he's being strategic. His wife thinks he's lost his mind. They're going in for five items. Gregory has made the trip three times longer. Gregory, convenience stores are convenient for a reason.

Donald says he's just having 'a little snack' and eats three slices of the pizza. The pizza was for dinner. Donald was just snacking. His wife is now making sandwiches for dinner instead. Donald couldn't tell the difference between lunch and dinner portions. Donald thinks 'a little' is a relative term. Donald, you ate the meal. You can't pretend it was a snack.

Gary nods along while his wife tells him a story. His wife asks what he thinks. Gary has no idea what the story was about. Gary was completely lost after the first sentence. His wife can tell by his vacant expression that he wasn't paying attention. Gary insists he was listening. Gary has no follow-up questions. His wife is used to this. Gary, at least pretend to be engaged.

Something is wrong with his wife. It's a 'woman thing.' Lawrence doesn't understand. It's a 'woman thing.' Lawrence has decided that having a period or hormones explains everything and is therefore exempt from further investigation. His wife is simultaneously frustrated and exhausted. Lawrence has completely avoided actual listening. Lawrence, different systems exist in different bodies. Try asking follow-up questions instead of categorizing it all as mysterious female nonsense.